I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize