Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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