I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
