Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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