I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
