His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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