before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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