I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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