Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
