I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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