did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
