Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
