Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize