I accidentally burped into my bong.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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