drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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