I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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