my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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