I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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