My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
