If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Randomize
