This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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