Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
