My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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