You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize