Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
