I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Less talking, more tequila
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
