Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Someone came in the potted fern
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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