the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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