I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
