Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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