i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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