wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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