I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
