my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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