Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
