I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
