Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
