did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
