I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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