The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
