If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
