if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
