So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
