I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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