Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
