did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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