There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize