you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize