You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize