The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
