At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
