so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
