Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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