Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
