we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
