3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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