why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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