Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
