new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
