please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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