So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
